Exclusive! How Vivienne and Vinai plotted to win the league.

Vivienne Lewis was feeling very pleased with herself indeed. So soon after she’d finally wrestled the Family Trust away from the old boy to take control of Tottenham Hotspur Football Club, and she'd achieved her dream. Champions of Europe! All she’d needed to do was tip off the authorities about old Joe giving insider trading tips to his chauffeur and there was no way back. She’d known he wouldn’t end up in jail, he’s a billionaire after all.

Her excitement was only enhanced by the secret crush she’d developed on the new executive the club had hired only a few months before. Her heart missed a beat as he entered the room, his swarthy good looks and charm accentuated by the light shining off his bald head. 

She felt a tingle where no such feeling had been detected for years. Before Vinai, that is.

“Do tell again, my dearest, what we can learn from your time at Arsenal,” she implored him.

“Well, I know even less about football than you, which is saying something, but I’m a money man. So my strategy was to persuade the owners to put about £150 million of new capital into the club every year over a number of years.”

Vivienne’s tingle started to diminish at the thought of where this conversation was heading.

“Then we paid top whack for new players and paid them the best wages in the league.” 

“And that led to how many trophies over the time you were CEO?” Viv asked, suspecting she knew the answer.

“Well, none,” Vinai replied sheepishly.

“But we haven’t put a penny into Tottenham and we’re Champions of Europe!” she declared triumphantly. “220,000 fans lined the streets. ‘Champions of Europe’ they were singing ‘We know who we are!’”

Vinai, by now on the back foot, felt compelled to break the news to his boss.

“You know we’re not actually Champions of Europe, don’t you? We simply won the competition that none of the best teams in Europe competed in.”

Vivienne was crestfallen, the tingle by now having been completely extinguished.

“But our fans told us. Champions of Europe, they sang. Whatever it was, they seemed pretty happy about it.”

It was at that moment that a lightbulb went on in the otherwise dim space between Vivienne’s ears and the future destiny of the club was determined. Rising to her feet and striking her best Hannah Waddingham pose, she proudly announced a new direction for the club.

“Vinai, my darling, I’ve got a great idea. A strategy whereby we can win the league without having to invest all that money that we’d rather keep for ourselves. We simply need to be competing in a league that none of the best teams in England compete in. Let’s enter the second league next year, the Premier League just seems too hard. What do they call it?”

“The Championship, you mean,” Vinai replied.

“That’s it! Champions of The Championship, our fans will love that, following hot on the heels of being Champions of Europe!” She could feel the tingle starting to return as a grin appeared on Vinai’s face.

“I like it,” he said, “but I’m pretty sure we can’t just decide to enter the Championship instead of the Premier League.”

“Well, how do we get in then?” Viv asked.

“We’ll need to spend a year getting relegated before we can put the plan into action,” he said.

“Ok, well that Levy guy has kept us in the Premier League for decades, he’ll have to go. We can say that we’ve listened to the fan base and taken the action they’ve been baying for.”

“Thank God you’ve suggested it,” Vinai said. “That dreadful video he made me do where we pretended to like each other and talked about winning the Premier League was one of the most embarrassing episodes in my illustrious career.”

“What about the manager position?” Viv asked. “That Greek guy did a pretty good job nearly getting us relegated last season, perhaps he could finish the job this year?”

“Risky,” Vinai said. “I used all my business school education, developed a Boston Matrix and applied a Monte Carlo simulation to assess all the possible managers for next year.”

Viv didn’t have a clue what he was talking about but was more than excited by his obvious intellect. She shifted in her seat.

“And the best option for getting us relegated this season was clear. Thomas Frank.”

“Go get him cowboy!” Viv shouted, getting a bit over-excited by the whole plan.

Vinai was really feeling the love. “The key to the strategy will be to leave Frank in charge just long enough to get us to the brink of relegation and then bring in a Johnny Foreigner who knows nothing about the Premier League to finish off the job. If that doesn't work out we'll find another Johnny Foreigner who'll not only take us down but make ensure that the fan base is divided. We don't want them united against us, that could get dangerous.”

“Brilliant!” Viv declared. 

Concerned that all the excitement might lead them to do something they’d both regret, Vinai edged towards the door. “The old man will be so proud of you,” he said as he left the room.

Walking down the corridor with a spring in his step at the thought of implementing the new club strategy, he could hear his boss singing to herself.

“We’re going to win the league, we’re going to win the league. And now you’re going to believe us….”

It was a plan they would implement to perfection.